Month: July 2014

Dearest,

I know, you want easy, fun. Not deep or committed. I know I scare you at times with my intensity and feelings. I can’t apologize for loving you. To me, easy and fun is being in love and totally committed.

I hope you find time to reflect and ponder this evening. I know that at times we must do things that are not logical or that maybe don’t make sense. At risk of making an argument against myself, sometimes you have to do what you know you want to do, even if it makes no sense. Because in the end you will need to follow your heart. I did. God knows I do things that make no sense – logically. But my heart wants what it wants. And that is you.

So, I hope we continue this journey. But more, I know you need to find your own happiness.

I will be waiting…. for now.

Hello,

I’m not sure if you have given up reading this or not. I just wanted to express my sincere appreciation for the time you spend with me, the morning text messages, and how much you share of yourself. The past few days have been very special and if you don’t know it, I am thankful.

I wrote a couple of emails on Sunday, and I asked for some feedback. It would be nice to know how you feel.

I’m still a little unsure of where I stand, or what our status is. I would say we are dating, but I’m not sure you would agree. I wonder what happens next. I know you are very busy now, and with return of family you will have even more demands on your time. I will try to not be a burden.

And, as much as you don’t like to hear it – all my love and best wishes to you.

Wednesday, 5:00 pm

I’m not sure what you mean by “I don’t think you are ready to hang out without anything happening…”?

I feel like you think I’m some kind of creep. Yes, I want something to happen, but it’s not sex. And, I wasn’t suggesting I come to your place. I was asking what you had planned, to see if you were open to meeting up, being out in public. I feel hopeless at times, like your not knowing what you want is leading me on. Am I a greater fool now? I must be. I don’t know how to talk to you about this without being an ass, but this one is something you should not get away with. I just don’t know how to be available to you – hoping to give you time to fall in love with me – without destroying myself.

Dearest,

Thank you for letting me come have our two minute conversation. Yes, maybe its not normal, but I want you to know I am there for you when you need me. I am there for you when you want me, and I’ll be there for you even if you don’t need or want me, but you will let me be there.

Why? Because I care about you deeply, and I wish I could make things better for you. I know I can’t solve your problems or “rescue” you. And I know you don’t want to be rescued. I am not proposing that. I am saying I will be there to encourage and support you.

So, it is worth a short drive to have a two minute conversation, because it is seeing you and giving you a hug that counts. Mondays suck. I hope you are feeling better and have a good week. I’ll be here.

Dearest,

Thank you for calling me last night. And thank you for your understanding and sharing of your time. Our conversation has left me feeling a bit insecure and jealous.

Did you tell me about your dinner to see if I was ok with it, or to see if I would be upset? I am trying to be trusting and non-controlling. But, I still worry that maybe dinner was really a date. And even if it wasn’t a date, do you still have feelings for him? I know you would have told me if it were a date.

The story seems to have changed a little – from dinner with a friend to dinner and a movie with an old flame. Am I jealous? A little. Am I insecure? Yes. Am I upset? No, because I know you need to work these things out and you need to have your own space. And, you called me which reassures me that you want to keep exploring the possibilities with me. I will work on my insecurities.

So why is it so hard?

Dearest, My love for you is easy. Being with you, caring for you, and our conversations are easy. And although our loving you is easy, relationships take work. Not the type of work like cleaning the bathroom, but work of joy, of giving on ones self, and passion to come together

Yes, we are different people with different experiences from different paths. But our paths have crossed and joined together. Relationships are not always easy, and ours has had its struggles. Part of our struggle is we both want what we want, and those two things don’t always align. So we push each other a little and grind on each others’ feelings at times. But we also explore each other through our many conversations, spending time together, sharing our pasts and our dreams. As we move through this process, hopefully we will begin to cut our own path together – figuring out a way that works for both of us, and makes us both richer and more fulfilled than being without each other. Moving towards our own ever-after.

You inspire me more than any other person has in my life. I am not trying to change who you are, but only how you view a future together. You make me want to change some things about me so we can be more at ease together. I am willing to try.

I love you.

Thursday, 6:30 am.

Dearest, you kept texting me after midnight last night. I was pissed and you were drunk and needy. I asked if you wanted to read my diary, and you said yes. So, I gave you the link to this site. I offered this to you so you could see that yes, I do get upset, but I always love you.

You asked what I want last night. I want you to step up. I want you to admit we have something more than a friendship. And I want you to put some effort into seeing if we can have a relationship. Your text said you would try. When I finally called you out frustration, you said you want to withdraw.

So, I challenge you again. Please, step up instead of walking away. I love you. Yes, you sometimes are a bitch (your word, not mine). I hope you call or text me. I also hope that as you read this site, you realize the one constant throughout is that I love you and care for you, and I will always be here for you, when you decide you want me. All my love you you.

Wednesday, 10:05 pm.

Drunk you strikes again. You called and wanted to talk “about us”. We run around in circles, you don’t want what I do want, etc. etc.

Nothing says you care about me like your hanging up mid conversation because you’ve fallen asleep (or passed out).

We go around and around in circles. We are not friends, because we are more than friends. But something is going to break. You just keep using me as your safe place with no investment of your own. I asked you before if you really had any skin in the game. I’m not seeing it. Sure, I am your most trusted friend, but I do feel insecure and expendable. You give nothing to me to make me think otherwise.

Tonight was just another classic example. We talk about what you need and want, then you argue that what I want is unreasonable or impossible. If it really is impossible, then just say good bye and leave me be. I love you. I would give you all I have. But if you can’t even make a commitment to date and work on a relationship, then there is nothing left.

So, I guess I should thank you for caring so much that you passed out drunk and dropped your phone. It really lets me know just how much you care. FUCK YOU!

10:40a

My dearest, is helping you so wrong? Yes, I am a planner and you see that as a “fixer”. I know you don’t easily accept help. I care about you, and I want to help. It is not that I am trying to solve your problems or take away anything from you, but I am trying to be supportive while you work through your struggles.

You have struggles I can barely fathom and certainly can’t fix. I couldn’t sleep last night after reading about the potential life-threatening condition you face, and trying to find reasonable information about treatments and expectations. It scares me, and I can only imagine what you are feeling as you face the unknown, and then the known.

I felt like you were pushing me away again this morning, when I feel I should support you most. I am here for you no matter what your future brings.

When I asked you some time ago, “Where do you want to be in life in five years?”, you answered “ALIVE”. I now understand that feeling. I want you around me for a long time. I hope to see you today, and see how you are feeling. I will ask you someday if I can go to your oncology appointment with you.

Dearest,

I’ve read more than I ever want to know about your potential medical condition. I am fearful for you. I just want to hold you and cry. I know I catastrophize too much, but I can’t imagine your fear, and the fear you constantly live with about cancer and side effects. I pray that you let me in and that god keeps you well and safe. I know we all die, and that not everyone reaches old age, but I want you around me a very long time. We will face this fear. And, should we find you have a less than healthy diagnosis, I pray you will let me be your support, your crutch. Maybe this is god’s purpose for my life, to be a caregiver. I have so much love to give and I want to be with you – no matter the circumstance!

I hope you sleep well. I will try to sleep, but it is difficult to sleep without holding you. All my love to you.

P.S. I feel like an ass for worrying about how you feel about me when you are facing such challenges.