Month: June 2014

7:15 am.
I was finally able to sleep a few hours this morning. Today’s goal is to stop checking Facebook chat and stop writing texts (which I write and erase almost every half hour). I was awake in the middle of the night, thinking about how we spent that Sunday afternoon on the bike, and then that evening in my bed. I wish we could have stayed next to each other longer. I miss you my love. I hope your move goes well tomorrow.

9:50 pm; I am doing better tonight but still missing you greatly. I want you so badly to want me. I know things are bad, and my heart cries and screams. I am thinking I will text you on Sunday and wish you happy birthday. Maybe I’ll have the strength by then to not text you. I wish I knew if you are sad or getting mad at me, or if you are relieved I’m out of your life. I hate the unknown and this loneliness. I love you so much that I must do what is best for you. I hope I sleep. Goodnight.

6:36 pm: I need to make a bank deposit but didn’t dare. I was afraid I would cry and you wouldn’t. I hope you get drunk and call me. I’m thinking I will drop the deposit in the night slot. Then you might see that I was there and call me an ass. At least then you would call me something. I’m still struggling to find peace, still trying to find a future with you in my life.

3:28 pm: I’m having a meltdown in my head, I’m almost in tears. I am in tears. I want so much to reach out to you. But I don’t want to bring you to tears. What do I do? If I can just hear your voice.

“Nothing left to do but shave my head”

1:45 pm. Am I pitiful yet? You would hate how needy I feel. You were here once, loving someone that in the end, didn’t love you. It sucks. Yes, I placed all my eggs in the ***** basket. I just wanted a little in return.

Thursday, 6/26 at noon: I had therapy this morning and realize I need to accept a life without you in it. I keep expecting you to text or chat. I guess either you are as sad as I am or you are happier without me. I am not happier without you. I am just as miserable as Monday night. He (therapist) said I should not contact you – for your sake as well as mine. He said if I really cared about you I would let you go. It’s just so hard. I am sad and lonely. I still hope you contact me. I was going to text you on your birthday just to say hi, but He thinks that is a bad idea as well. I put in my calendar to send you a friend request on September first. Maybe we will see each other then. If I can just hold on.

Therapy this morning and see what advice he has for me. I may need antidepressants, but I don’t want to be emotionally dead. I wish I could live in your gray world – without boundaries or rules. My heart aches and I am lost. I thought we had love.

Wednesday, 10:00 pm.

It’s been a hard day – missing you and our chats. I feel so horrible. I was hoping against the odds that you would message me after your counseling session or after work. Do you hate me? Am I so horrible? I really don’t know why this couldn’t work out. I love you, and you seem to want to be with me – sometimes. But I guess I have ruined it. I am lonely and so sad. I don’t want to live without you in my life. You became my friend and lover, but I guess I could not be who you need. I just wish you would call…..

6/25, 9:30a – I just can’t focus. I want to scream in pain. I want so badly to call you or message you and say how sorry I am and plead for you to stay in my life. I keep trying to convince myself that you will come back to me someday – but I fear you never will. You don’t need me. I try to hope you will call me after your counseling session.

2:30p – I’m struggling to think about anything other than you. I am missing our chats and I keep wanting to re-friend you on Facebook. I am feeling so lonely.

Wednesday, June 25, 1:30 am.

I am starting this writing to ease my mind. It has worked for me in the past to journal my feelings – those that I can’t share with the woman I care about and have begun to fall in love with.

The situation is complex, and I fell in love quickly, while she was not seeking a relationship. If there is any blame, it is mine, for making something fun and wonderful into something complex and difficult.

My heart aches. My eyes water. I miss you and I so badly wanted love. I can’t sleep in my bed where we made love, had sex. (I know you never use the term “made love”). I just keep thinking about your kiss, about holding you. I am devastated! I want to send you a message but I can’t because we’re over.